~pOptart-casKet-x

First day of school we get pretty little fliers. You'd think
that since I'm in high school, teacher's wouldn't be asking
you questions like, "What's your favorite band?" or, "What
are some of your hobbies?" They want to 'learn about
their students.' Well, I got one that asked me what I
planned on doing after high school. I had half the mind to
write "nothing." I mean, sure, I'd like to publish stuff—
but every good writer's only became famous /after/ their
death, anyways.

I kind of sat there for a while, staring at the question.
I'm not sure why, but I couldn't honestly think of a damn
thing to write. Should I have been honest, and write
some sort of shit like "I plan on wasting myself and
driving off a cliff"? I mean, really. I just can't see me
in college, or even senior year. Sure, I'm a fucking
sophomore. And? I always look to the future. Maybe
that's my problem. I dunno. But, I just. . . I'm tired of
it.

Tired of searching for more excuses to keep living.
I'm kind of burnt out on "for my friends." I try and
find beauty in everything, really I do. I'd love to find
something to keep me going, but it's just so. . .
well, it seems more like a fantasy, right now.


The way I see it, I won't get money for college. I'll
live out on my own, in some box. That's how it's
looking right now. I'm dead serious, a fucking box.
I'd rather make something of that— be some sort
of psychopathic killer. I mean, if I'm too shy to off
myself, let's just get the death penalty. I'll plead
guilty. I'll take responsibility for my own shit.

When it comes down to it, I think I'd like to
OD on sleeping meds. I know how to do it, too.
My therapist already wants me on them. I'll
just take "one too many." Whoops.
Why sleeping meds? Well, I like to sleep. I like
to dream, to be more blunt. It's kinda like an
escape, you know? Too bad I have insomnia.
I hardly dream any more. That's why the pills;
I can finally sleep. I won't dream, but I'll sleep.
Good enough for me.


I'm a hypocrite, SUE ME. =/
Damn near everyone knows how much I hate
adolescent love— but, right now, I want it. I
don't want to begin to love, and then push it
out once the "constant butterflies" go into
hibernation. A lot of who I am is love. I guess
you could say I'm in love with love.
I've been saying it a lot, but, "I want my own
Zoku." Really, really, badly.

I'm starting to feel like Kiyoshi. I guess I've
never realized how much we have in common.
Kiyo, the guy who's only plans for the future is
to off himself when his sister is old enough to
fend for herself. Cuz he'd rather be in a coffin,
then living homeless. But, that lucky bastard found
love, and it inspired him. Inspired him to sing,
pull up his grades. . . live. . .
It's because of Zo, Kiyo changed his mind.


That's the reason right now.
I want to live just a bit longer, see if someone
worth-while will come along and make things
better. But, you can be sure if I don't find someone
to live for by Graduation, I'll be the only senior
not to show up with a valid excuse.
"Where's Ashton?"
"Oh, she died."
I think that's pretty valid, don't you? I mean,
is any going to argue, saying I should've been
there?


I really do just want to go on being a hypocrite.
But, things just keep looking worse.



Where's my Zoku?
Dead.
I killed her.